Tonight
by heyxjudee
Summary: "Remember tonight.. for it is the beginning of always." -Dante Alighieri  *complete*
1. Chapter 1

Many nights I have waited, and planned to go to her. Now that everything is settled, I finally can. Tonight. I know what I want, and I am will willing to take the leap to get it. I am no longer afraid of the feelings she causes, of the weakness she could be for me. It is no longer important. I love her, and that is it. That simple fact makes almost everything else not matter.

I show up at her home, the home that held many of her favorite memories and many of mine. I don't have a gift to give to her, I thought on it long and hard but could not come up with something to show her how I feel. I thought bringing the ring I had bought for her after the take over to propose in the human way would be to much at once for her.

I knock and wait.

It doesn't take her long to answer. I block the bond so she doesn't feel me. I do not want her to think that I am influencing her decisions and thoughts. I never have but knowing her she will assume that I am. It is best to err on the side of caution.

She opens the door, and just stands there. There is not much expression on her face but she is happy to see me. I don't need the bond to tell me that but she is also anxious and slightly angry. The entire energy around her is screaming this. She continues to just stare at me. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it is actually rather nice. It as been a while since I have seen her, and I ache with that thought. I had not meant to stay away so long but, sometimes, time simply just gets away from us, does it not? This happens more often when there is more time to have.

I am waiting for a sign, a subtle cue that she is willing to talk. She stays quiet but tilts her head slightly. I feel this is the best I will get. I take a slow, small step to approach her. My expression is soft, as are my eyes. I can feel it. It is just one of those things that I have no control over in her presence.

"Hello, Love." I try to express myself in just two words. The longing I felt for her, the pain I endured while I was away, my elation at seeing her. While sex is definitely on my mind when I'm with her, it was the longing for her simple touch that has just about killed me.

"What do you want?" She is guarded, and her response is clipped. I understand so I don't push it.

"I simply wished to talk. If that is alright with you." When approaching subjects of importance with her it is usually best to approach as if she were a wounded animal. Soft voice, slow movements, and calm words.

"What's there to talk about, Eric? You were probably off killing people and thought that to be more important than a simple phone call to me. So I don't really see what there is to talk about." She is becoming angrier with every word.

"Sookie, I had many things going on that I had to take care of. Things that I thought it best not to involve you in. You do not like bloodshed so it seemed practical to not draw you into it." She has no idea was has been going on in her absence, now does not feel like the time to tell her.

"So you were killing people? Great just great. I was hoping you were just ignoring me but killing more people sounds like a good excuse. Were you having Pam and Bill kill too, is that why they haven't been around or even called? " Her rage is full blown now and I am still trying to speak calmly to her.

"Things had to be done and as I said, it was practical not to involve you until they were complete."

"So now that they are, you expect to what? To just show up and have me say everything's ok with you killing more people and that now everything's fine, so lets talk? Sorry buddy, I'm not much in the mood for that. I'm tired of death, I'm tired of being around people who deal death. I just want to be normal. None of this, you and everything else supernatural, isn't normal. I can't trust you to change. Your invitation is rescinded, so go away." Her words hurt me, there is no denying this. I'm trying to stay calm and not let my anger or pain slip into my words or through the bond.

"I have never once asked you to be anything other than who and what you are. I never asked you to not be a telepath or be part fairy. I never asked you to fight in wars or battles. I have never asked anything of you that I was not one hundred percent sure that you could give. I never asked you to change who you are and yet you ask it of me. I am what I am, as I have always been. For my entire existence I have been a Viking and a warrior. For over a thousand years I have been a vampire. Death is apart of life, yours and mine.

You reject me be because of what I am, yet you find solace in it. You can not come to value the silence and reprieve from your gift that you get in my presence but become upset because of this very fact. You can not love the fact you can not read my mind but then hold it against me that you are unable. You cannot have it both ways.

You want a family, the white picket fence and the all that comes with it, that you deem normal. I can not provide you with this, I have never said that I could. I have never lied to you about who I am or what I am. You want what you want and I will not hold you from it. If it your choice to pursue it, then I will not stop you.

I do not have it in me anymore to try to convince you that I am right for you. I am tired of chasing you, getting just a little from you, and then having you run away again. You do not to want label what we are, because your afraid, and I have been trying not to hold it against you but I can not anymore. If your fear is what holds you back from me, there is nothing I can do to change that. No matter how much I wish it.

I came here to discuss with you the future, what I had hoped would be our future. But I can see now it seems that I was wrong in thinking you wanted to share that as I do. This is it for me. This is the last time I will try. If you want to be with me as I want to be with you and you will commit to me: invite me in, we will discuss everything, I will tell you everything, and we can go from here. If, however, you cannot take that leap to be with me, I cannot and will not see you again. There will be no second chances, no more attempts to sway your opinion of me, I will not come crawling to you, and I will not beg. This will be it. This will be the end to the matter of you and I." It breaks my heart to say it but I can not continue as I have since we first met.

"I'm sorry but…" she shrugged and trailed off seemingly unable to complete her statement but still acting as if she didn't care. She, in her heart, doesn't believe me or my words. She is not taking this seriously. Though this is not what she really wants, I will stand by my promise. I will follow her words rather than her heart, since it is exactly what she is doing.

I give a small nod of my head in defeat. I knew. I knew she would do this since her first words to me this night, but I had still hoped for a different outcome. "Then so be it." My ancient heart is breaking and it is bleeding into my words. My voice is still soft and calming, but it is now sounding slightly vulnerable and tinged with the pain I am feeling. I do not care if it can be heard. I give her a bow, it will be the last that I will give anyone for a very time. " I wish you the best Miss Stackhouse, in all that you do. I wish for you to have all you have ever wanted. You no longer have any thing to fear from me and mine. Good night."

I turn away from her, walk down her short steps and once I touch the ground, I take off into the sky. Flying has always helped me clear my head. This time, however, it is not my head that needs clearing. Though as I fly I can't help but think.

I learned many, many, many years ago, when I was new to this life, a very simple lesson. The easiest way to build a man was through his heart. When love is your motivator you can draw more strength in that, than you possibly could from anger. I also learned the easiest way to break a man was through his heart as well. When you torture and your objective is to break them, you take away the one place in their body that they can hide, where they store the positive memories to distance themselves from the physical world around them. That is why my kind shuts down, because for every bit of strength that love and compassion can give, it gives the same amount of weakness. One more thing someone can threaten with, one more thing they can take from you to break your spirit. I have always been colder than most because I learned this lesson first hand. I learned it many times it at the hands of my maker. He used the safety of my family and the safety of my people as means for my compliance. Once he made me, we left my home land but he threatened many times to return if I disobeyed. By the time I knew that my people were all dead, I no longer required the threat. He commanded me many times but he preferred when I did things willingly. When I was released I promised myself that I would not let that happen to me again. That I would not be placed in a situation where I could be maneuvered because of the people in my life.

I broke my promise to myself the moment Sookie walked into my bar on the arm of Compton.

I have reached Fangtasia just as I was about to trail off into that line of thought of _her_. I land behind my bar and walk in through the employee entrance. I reach my office and sit behind my desk. This place once held much joy for me but now it is just another building and another business in a long line that I have had in my life. It is rather depressing and I will allow myself to wallow but just for this night. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will change. It seems now it is time once again to return to the old ways. It will be difficult to go from living to simply existing but it can be done. It will be done.

I will do what I must, as I always have.

Pam must have sensed my presence and slips into my office. Normally I would be angry at her intrusion but not today. Today it is nice to be near someone that I know cares for me, I do not feel much like myself right now but I think that this situation is a good reason for this.

"Master, where is my mistress?" Pam sounds as excited as she is capable of while still remaining to look bored, at the prospect of having a mistress. I had told her that I was going to resolve things with Sookie. It is finally resolved at least but Pam mentioning her makes my heart hurt.

"You have no mistress, Pam. Everything is resolved between her and I. She wishes for a normal life. Something I can not provide her with." I give my child a slight smile, hoping to let her know I do not wish to speak much more on this topic.

"You must be joking me? After everything, and how closely she is tied to our world she suddenly wishes for 'normal'? You must be kidding me, and everything that has just taken place in her name…" She is angry. I can hear she is just getting started on a rant. I am not in the mood to hear it, maybe another night but not now.

"Pamela." A short, sweet, final, non-refutable command. One word and she is quiet. Without question, turning Pam is the best thing I have ever done.

She drops her head. "Yes Majesty?" She is trying to show her deference and apologies but I am not in the mood to be referred to with my new title tonight.

My voice sounds tired. I am tired. "First you know you needn't be so formal when it is just us. And second, after I set forth an edict, I do not wish to speak on the matter of the telepath any more. Is this understood?"

"Eric?" Pam is wearing a look of concern. "What edict?" She is confused and concerned now.

"Take note Pam." I do not wish to answer her questions on this until I do what I must. I do not know if I will be strong enough to do it later. So it must be done now.

"Yes, master." Pam understands that I mean business right now.

"The official edict from the King of Louisiana, Arkansas, and Nevada: that the telepath, Sookie Stackhouse, is not to be approached or contacted in anyway by any living within my Kingdom, vampire or otherwise in connection to the supernatural world without my express permission, on the pain of final death. Human's used to contact her for the intent to circumvent me and my edict will killed as well as their masters. Those from any other states known to be contacting her without my express permission will be killed as well. Swiftly, mercilessly, without trial, without question." I draw a breath that I don't need to try to center myself. "That is all Pam."

Pam looks shocked. Which is very rare, and only happens around those she trusts explicitly "Is that it? Your giving up?"

"Yes, she wants to be out of this, and it is in my power to give her what she wants."

"But Eric… everything is finally settled. There is no royalty for you to answer to, none above you save the counsel. You and her can finally be together without having to fight for your lives everyday. I'm aware there still is and will always be danger but the amount of this has decreased immensely with you on the throne. I do not understand. This is it?"

"She no longer wants to keep the company of death dealers so I am going to close our bond. She wishes to live a normal life, with a family. She cannot find that with me. If I thought she could find it with another I would not fight her on it. Even if it would kill me, even if I ignored the ridicule of our world by letting her be with a lesser creature, she still cannot be with another supernatural without the danger that comes with this world. I would not be able to trust another to keep her safe. So, yes this is it. If she thinks she will be happy with a 'normal' life, I will help her get it. I am giving her all that is left within me to give, so she can be free to choose her own path." I feel as if I am on the edge of tearing up, there is a stinging behind my eyes. I will not let my child see me cry. I still have things to do. "Send out the edict, you are dismissed child."

Pam looks uncertain but at my dismissal, bows her head and leaves my office. I am alone again. I have calls that I will delegate to Pam that can be made tomorrow but there is only one call tonight that must be made. I compose myself again and pick up the phone. I dial the number without having to look it up. It is not that late in the night so I know he will answer. This will probably be the last time I will call this number. It rings a few times before a gruff voice answers.

"Merlotte's. How can I help you?"

"Sam. This is Eric Northman, do you have minute or two to talk? It is rather important." I usually am not nice or courteous but I will be asking for something and anything working in my favor will help.

"Sure…just give me a moment." He sounds suspicious, I cant blame him. I would be too. After a short pause he's back. "Ok, I'm in my office. What's up?" He is not a happy shifter.

"Within the next day or two there will be an edict being sent out to all supes. I wanted to let you know you are exempt from this edict and that this will remain so if you will do something for me."

"Excuse me? Weres and shifters don't follow vamp edicts." I have always hated when people not even half my age inform me of the ways of my world. They are just children in comparison to me and I find it annoying. I was around when many of these ways were established. Stupid children.

"I am aware that you don't, but your kind follow edicts from the pack masters, and masters of the region. Most of the masters of the regions are allies of mine. They will enforce my edict but this is not why I called. I called because we have some matters to discuss." I had been consolidating my power for the take over and decided that alliances with the region masters of the Weres and Shifters might be a handy thing to have in the future. I was right.

"Ok. I'm listening." Normally a stupid child getting put in their place would amuse me, but not this time.

"My edict will prevent any supernatural's from contacting or approaching Miss Stackhouse. I am exempting you from this on the stipulation that you will inform my regime if there are any who disobey me."

There was a pause.

"Why?" It was a simple question with many difficult answers, but I gave a simple answer

"Because she wants a normal life, free of supernaturals, and it is within my power give her this." This seems as good a reason as any to continue using as an explanation. It is true so I think will use it again when asked.

"Won't your king over ride it?" The shifters voice holds his uncertainty.

"No. I have no king."

"….Your king now aren't you?" he sounds unsure of his logic. Maybe he isn't so stupid after all.

"I am."

"Of Louisiana?"

"Among other states."

"What other states?" He seems interested now.

"Arkansas and Nevada."

"Damn, when'd that go down?" I am aware he usually stays out of politics of any kind but he seems pleased with this turn of events.

"In the past couple weeks or so, I have yet to have a coronation so only those affected by this change are aware." I held off the coronation in hopes of have my bonded by my side. There goes that hope.

"Ok, now what do you get out of this edict?"

"Nothing." This answer is the most true I have given him in this entire conversation.

"You don't do something for nothing. That's not how its done. So I ask again, what do you get out of this?" He sounds annoyed that he thinks I'm lying to him.

"I get nothing. If your so intent on your thoughts of me getting anything out of this, why don't you tell me what it could possibly be." I didn't give him time to even try to answer. "You can't can you? I didn't think so. This edict lets her live her life without any interference from the supe world, including me. Your exempt from this so that I can ensure my edict is followed and enforce it if its not. When the edict comes, read it, and know you are the only one not affected by this. You will check in with someone in my regime, most likely Pam, on a regular basis. I doubt you will want to, but this is the only way I can protect her with the edict still in tact." I paused to let him digest this. "I will inform the region masters that the packs she belong to can only come to her if she calls and is in danger the same as I will inform those in area 5. Other than in those circumstances she will not have any interference from this world. I gain nothing, and with that said, do you agree to this stipulation?"

"I do."

"Good. Pam will be expecting your call by the end of the week. Good night." And I hung up.

Now that that is done, I have nothing left to do tonight. I still do not feel like myself but it will most likely pass. I stand up and leave my office. I do not wish to be here anymore tonight. I leave through the employee door not even bothering to see what fangbangers are in the bar tonight. I have duties that I must get back to tomorrow but that is tomorrow. I take off in to the air and head home.

I fly slowly over the buildings and streets. I see the people below and wonder if they realize how short their life is compared to mine. If they realize that they spend so much time deliberating about something that they rarely complete what they were deliberating about. If they realize that the money they spend their entire life making doesn't do them any good when their dead. If they realize that they only want what they cant have simply because they can't have it. That they unconsciously look for their perfect match from the time they can walk but when they find it, still look for better, for someone absolutely perfect. That no matter how much is given to them they still want more. Not all of them are like this but those that are; use to disgust me. Now I pity them and then I pity me because I pity them. If nothing else can be said for them as a species, those that live do live to the fullest.

I frown a little when I realize that most of my kind simply exist and that I will once again be one of them. I take some comfort in the fact that now that Sookie is free she can live for me.

I wish I did not have to let her go but it is what she wants so she will have it. Her life is her own, and while I have controlled small parts of her life to keep her safe or what I felt was in her best interest, the road she is choosing is taking her from me. But it is her road to travel. My journey has been long and I know what its like to be forced down a path not of your choosing and the repercussions that come of it. No matter how much I want her, I can not be like my maker.

I land in my front yard and slowly walk up the steps. I open the door and head straight for my bedroom. I strip down to nothing and climb in my bed. I have always thought of it as a good size for my person but tonight it seems to big. A quiet reminder that I am alone again. I feel my eyes start to tear again and I let them. No one is here to see me cry, or feel my pain.

The bond is still shielded so we are unable to feel one another. I focus on the gentle hum that has existed in me since Rhodes. So much has happened since then and yet it doesn't seem like it was enough. I focus on it as I slowly close it, the hum getting softer and softer until it is almost none existent. When there is just about nothing left of it I feel the tears running down the sides of my face. I can completely sever it or I can keep what little of the bond there is left kept locked away; if I so choose. I wish I was strong enough to sever it. To completely let go of her and embrace the darkness and emptiness that is calling me, but I am unable. This I will keep for me. There is just enough for me to be able to feel her but not enough for her to feel me. She gets what she wants and I get to keep the only comfort I have left.

Right now, that is enough for me. To simply feel the gentle hum of her in my body. Right now I do not want to feel her happiness or smugness or whatever else she is feeling that only will hurt me to know. No. Right now, I just want to feel her and pretend that she hurts just as much as I do and she regrets what has become of us.

Tomorrow I will change. Tomorrow I will stop all this nonsense and start anew. Tomorrow I will return to my life as a King. Tomorrow I will do my duties, complete the paper work, hold court, dole out punishments.

All as if this day has never happened.

There was an Italian author named Dante Alighieri who once wrote "Remember tonight…for it is the beginning of always." With everything that I am I hope he is wrong, but something tells me he's not.

For tonight, tonight I am just another man with a broken heart. A man who feels as if his whole world seems to be crashing down around him. A man whose pain is overwhelming. A man that has an ache in his chest that reminds him that while it no longer beats, it still bleeds. A man who is simply alone.

Tonight very well may be the beginning of my always.


	2. Chapter 2

Two hundred sixty two thousand nine hundred and seventy four minutes.

Four thousand three hundred eighty two hours.

One hundred and eighty two days.

Six months.

That is how long it has been I have seen or heard from her.

Since that night.

Some days this internal clock of mine barely registers the time that has passed, others like today are…lets just say I'm not so lucky on days like today.

Pam gets updates, of course, from the shifter weekly about Sookie but other than one or two situations in the beginning, of people testing the limits of my edict, there has been nothing. I have heard absolutely nothing about her. Even with the few vampires that tested me I heard nothing about the situation, I just killed them. Thankfully Bill didn't test me, well, he didn't after I explained to him what she wanted and then made him watch as I tortured a man who had attempted to defy me the day the edict was sent out. That closed the matter with him. Pam handles any matters that the shifter mentions about Sookie, and I deal with the killing. It comes as part of the job but I am not cruel unless provoked and very few are stupid enough to do that.

I followed through with my promise to myself. The promise that I would, after that night, change and I have. Just not as solidly as I had wished. Oh I most definitely returned to the old ways. Cold and distant, solid and steadfast but it does not last for long. From the time I rise to the time I return to my room before dawn, I am as I have always been. Once I am alone for the night, I am not so strong. It has gotten easier, I no longer feel the sensation that comes before tearing up every time I think of her. I do not think of her as often anymore.

When I use to come home after work before my takeover I took care of my finances or something of that nature but I have since started to once again play music and paint. Things I use to do but had since found no joy in. Now they are about the only things that bring me happiness anymore. I even took back up with wood working as I had when I was a human man. I find myself disgusted at my inability to get over her but this does not change that I cant.

I now lived in the compound I had built outside of Shreveport. I have many who live in it with me, such as Pam and Bill, but today it feels empty, and I am glad for it. I gave out orders and errands to everyone so that I am alone, save for the weres on duty patrolling the grounds, the basic staff, and the live-in donors in the lower level. I have done this a few times. I clear everyone out and walk around just trying to remember why I became King, and why I still am.

I sound very much like those heartbroken romance novel men whose women have moved on from them. I would say I agree but only rarely. Other than the first couple days, most of the time I am perfectly fine. Existing does that to you, makes you sound as if all you ever do is dwell but this is not so. Existing causes you to be nothing for very long stretches of time and then be all but broken on those rare occasion when you attempt to live. It takes a while to get use to, to be honest.

My states are among the strongest and most prosperous in the country now, even after my short time as king. My lieutenants, sheriffs, and I rebuild the entire structure and flow of the states and it is now better than ever. I have had many vampires move into my territories for a more stable environment for them in which to live. I am proud. I have even had several serious informal propositions from other royals about marriages and alliances. Last night I received my first official proposal. That is the reason my for my melancholy.

I have taken other women to bed but none that lasted longer than a night or two and the women that I have taken are always the opposite of Sookie. Where as she was light and stubborn the women I use are dark and submissive. I don't care for them, just as I know they don't care for me. They want only to be able to say they were with a vampire or a king; it has nothing to do with me, with who I am. For this I am grateful. At least this time around those that use me, I am using back. It is a sick thing but hardly problematic. It's more of a moral compass type issue, one I don't care enough to contemplate. I am not enjoying the women as I have in the past but it needs to be done, so I do it. I have no attachments to them but this royal proposal…this is different. I am aware it is just political, that it is not as if I will see her every night but it feels wrong. The idea of marriage, one that lasts a hundred years, makes my chest clench and my temples burn. It is a very good proposal from the Queen of Utah. She is far enough away that she isn't constantly around but is close enough to Nevada to help oversee my running of it.

It makes sense but doesn't feel right. I don't feel right.

This is my reason for sending everyone away tonight. I need time to think without being followed or questioned. Since everyone is gone I will be able to leave on my own. There is a lake not far from here in the mists of the woods where I have taken to sitting and thinking when I need calm and quiet. The water reminds me of my human life when I did the same. When I was a child I used any excuse I could come up with to be near the water. This lasted until I was old enough to go a-viking then I would spend weeks on a boat. No matter the weather or our conditions it was bliss for me. Water has always been my strongest companion and this has never changed. Now is a good time to go gather my thoughts without all these new millennium mechanisms.

Yes, this is what I will do.

I go to my room and change into what I still deem my bar wear; black jeans, Fangtasia logo shirt, and black boots. It is nice to return to this, rather than suits and other formal type clothing that I need to wear for king business. I feel more me in this. It reminds me of an easier time. When getting dressed, going to the bar, enthralling the vermin, laying a vermin or two, completing area business, and going home again was a daily ritual. Ah… when things were that simple. As I am walking through the house, down the stairs towards the front door I am still contemplating what I will do with Utah. This should be easy, but its not. I don't want to face the reasons why I am holding back yet.

I reach the front door and step outside. It is a beautiful night with clear skies and bright stars. I continue walking out, down the steps and onto the grass in the middle of the circle drive that covers a large portion of the front yard. I wonder how I got here sometimes; how I went from fur and swords to Armani and computers. The differences are startling but since I have grown and changed with the times it does not feel so different until I reflect on my origins. A thousand years ago I could have never, even in my wildest imaginings, seen myself where I am now. This is why I try to reconnect with the earth and my history so I remember the strength it took to get to where I am now.

Tonight I need a reminder of that strength. Maybe a reminder of the strength I had will help me find the strength I need to do what is best. Even if what is best does not feel like what is right.

I stand here just staring at the sky for few minutes until I can sense someone watching me. I am upwind so I cannot smell them, I do not care enough to listen if they have a heartbeat or not because they do not seem have ill intent. So I just ignore them in the hopes they will leave me be. I would fly away but if they are not easily deterred, they may follow me and I do not wish to have my sanctuary desecrated by another. After another minute or so of star gazing with them still there I decide to speak to them without shifting my focus.

"It is rather rude to spy on someone and not identify yourself." I am not angry, I am just simply stating a fact.

"It's nice to see you too." I close my eyes. I know that voice. I have dreamed of that voice. That voice has been in my best fantasies and worst nightmares. The voice that belongs to one who has hurt me like no other. Sookie.

I open my eyes but continue to star gaze. "Well hello... Are you in danger? If that is why you have come, speak to your shifter or Pam. They will help you." I sound as if her presence doesn't phase me. A millennium of practice ensures that this time, I am in control of my self. My words, my tone, my body, everything about me is all mine this time. She will get no hints from me unless I let her. I take comfort in this.

"No, everything's fine." Her voice sounds off and she isn't in danger but she is obviously here for a reason.

"Then what is your purpose here?"

"I heard your getting married." I do not understand what that has to do with why she is here.

"I am unsure who you has informed you of this but I find it to be none of your concern. So I ask again. What is your purpose here?"

"Are you getting married?" Her insistence on this is angering. She has answered my question with a question about something that doesn't effect her.

"This is ridicules. What do you want?" My voice is cold. I want to know why she is here so I can resolve this now and I will not have to see her again.

"I want to know if your getting married." I finally look at her and give her a quick scan. She looks very tired but is just as beautiful as she has always been. I push these thoughts away. I cannot and will not continue those thoughts now.

"What does it matter if I am or not? It is my business, not yours."

"It matters to me. Are you or not?"

"Why does it matter? Six months ago you made a choice. My choices now have nothing to do with you." I am annoyed she came here for this.

"I was wrong six months ago and I'm sorry" She says it as if its suppose to make everything alright.

"As happy as I am for you on your realization, I do not see how this matters now." I will not even think to go down this path with her. It is to painful.

"I've tried living a normal life and I can't do it. I came to say I'm sorry and that I don't want you to marry someone else because I want to be with you." Oh how I have wished for those words…but I can do nothing with them now.

"I am sorry but we discussed this. This matter is long over."

"Why? Because you say so? What gives you the right?" She is angry now, as she always seems to be with me. She is always defensive with me.

"What gives me the right is that I told you that night that it was the last time I was willing to try. That if you said no that I would not see you again. I have the right because now, after six months of you trying to live your 'normal' life, that we both knew wouldn't work, you come to me for no other reason then because you heard I was to be with another. I said this matter is over and so it is."

"That's unfair…" I cut her off. Now I am angry.

"Unfair? You speak of unfair? For years I was there for you when others were not, years I did things that brought myself danger and ridicule from others of my kind for no other reason than to keep you alive. The things I have done, the things I was willing to do, were insane. You flaunted men in my face, ignored their shortcomings and betrayals, while acting as if I was evil incarnate. I took on both my monarchs. Defied one, killed the other." I take a breath to calm myself, and then continue.

"Seven months ago, you were angry with me for ignoring you and not calling. Not that you tried to call me, of course not, I have always had to pursue you. You never tried to pursue me or even tried meet me half way but that doesn't matter now. Seven months ago, I fought my king and his second in command for the throne because they demanded of me to take your life and change you. If I did not comply I was to be put to death and you were to be taken and turned anyway. I started a war to keep you as you are because you do not wish to be like me. To be the creatures you find comfort in but that deep down hate and are disgusted by. That was the bloodshed I did not involve you in. I have never wanted to be king. I have had the chance before, but this time I had no other way to keep you safe. I did what I had to as I always have. I took over three states to keep you safe and asked for nothing in return other than to have you admit to the feelings you had for me. You could not do it.

Six months ago I came to you and you said you did not wish to be attached to the supernatural world. You did not want to be surrounded by death. You did not want to be with me. You wanted normal. I gave you your wish. From almost the first moment you became truly involved in my world you have been seeking a way out. I gave you your way out. I gave you a chance no one has ever had before: to get out of the supernatural world alive. You wanted it and you got it." It still hurts to think about. I do not know why I am doing this to myself.

"Now you come to me not because you need me, not because you love me, not because you cannot live without me. No. You come to me because you heard I was to take a wife. You have no right to even think about making an opinion or think you have the right to demand anything of me. You humans demand things you do not really want just so no one else can have them. I am not to be played with, I am done being maneuvered by you. You may not have thought that it was what you were doing but it was. I was simply the easiest to bend to your will. You fought with me and were offended because of the _idea_ of me making you heel but you do not see that in the end, it was **you** that made **me** heel. You did not need the bond to make me do things. I am not sure if there was anything I would not have done for you." I still am doubtful that there is anything I would not do for her, even now.

"You came to say things to me, things that at one point I would have wished for nothing more than to hear. Now, I do not wish to even be in your presence. You have taken all I can give to you, and I have nothing left. I have risked my life for you and you have risked your life for me. I will call us even and this will be the end of this. You could not and would not give yourself to me completely as I would have to you. You wanted a man who would have put you first; I would have and did many times. I wanted a woman who would do the same for me... and that was not you. You deserve exactly what you want, a life, a family, a husband who can grow old with you. I deserve to be with a woman whom I know loves me and is not afraid or ashamed to admit this." I wish I could make myself stop talking but it seems I am unable.

"What hurts more than anything I think, is that in this entire mess; I lost a friend. I have had many acquaintances, many business partners and many other things but I have not had many friends. Most of the people I could have deemed close, died when Felipe took over. You were a good friend to me. As I had hoped I was to you." I stop for a moment hoping that she will say something, anything, to save me from myself but she doesn't. She just stands there and listens.

"Things change and grow and live and die. It is way is the way of things. We have changed and grown apart. We lived and we did it beautifully even through the times of heart break and danger. I wish that this, you and I, did not have to die but we can not always get what we want, can we? I have loved you as I have never loved another, and as I most likely will never love again, and I have wallowed in the pain of you being to afraid to love me back. I think that now, I am ready to let it go. I do not wish to, but I will do as I must as I always have. For holding onto this, you, is killing me." The burning is starting behind my eyes. I push it back, I will not do that here, not with her.

"I have not decided on taking a wife yet. I have been…I have not been myself lately. I have been holding on to a fallacy that we could be more than what we are. I do not know what has become of me where you are concerned. This is not your world but it does not feel like mine any longer.

You and I are more alike than you think. We have always been and will always be so. You were ruled by your fear of admitting to me that you loved me, as I was ruled too. Though I am not ruled by this anymore, for there is nothing more you can say or do that will hurt me. You are stronger than I am however in all the ways that matter but this; fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of failure. I was willing to take that leap knowing I could fall all those months ago and I did. Yes; I fell and yes; it hurt more than anything but I am still glad I jumped.

So you came to ask me of my marriage but I am now positive I have answered all the other questions you would have had, yes?"

Somewhere along the way she had begun crying and I before I can stop my self I am at her side, pulling her to me, and holding her as she sobs in to my chest. I have missed her more than I have ever missed anything else. She just fits in my arms in a way that makes all of this more difficult because I know I will have to let her go eventually. I am rubbing her back and whispering calming words in my old language in her ear in hopes that she will calm down. I hate to see her cry. It is worse then physical torture when she does this and I know I am the cause.

"I love you." She is whispering over and over between her sobs. I can feel my eyes rim with tears.

"I know. I know you do. I have always known. But sometimes it is not enough, no matter how much we wish it were." My voice is slightly choked from fighting back the torrent of tears that I feel coming. We are silent for a moment or two before she gathers herself enough to speak. Her voice is rough from her tears.

"Two hundred sixty two thousand nine hundred and seventy four minutes…Four thousand three hundred eighty two hours...One hundred and eighty two days…six months. That's how long it's been since I have seen you. Since that night. I have had an internal clock ticking away, a clock that I never realized I had until it had something to measure. Some days my internal clock barely registers the time that has passed between us, others like today are…" She chokes a little but continues. "…I'm not so lucky on days like today." Her tears are dripping slowly from her eyes down her face and on to my shirt.

"I…I'm not living anymore. I'm stuck simply existing. The first couple days after what happened, I kept expecting you to come back and you didn't. I kept expecting an apology from you for doing that to me but there never was one.

Then Sam told me about your edict and I was angry. I called Pam. I started yelling at her about it, about you, about everything. She told to me suck it up because it was my doing and that some should be so lucky to have the out you gave me. She told me to not contact her directly again, only to send information through Sam and she warned me not to try to contact anyone in the supe world because it would get them killed. I tried anyway. I tried calling Alcide because I thought I could talk you out of killing him if it got that bad. Alcide wouldn't take my calls, he had his secretary call and ask me to not bother him again. I even went over to Bill's house in hopes of seeing him but he wasn't there anymore. I couldn't get in touch or see anyone supernatural once the edict was set.

It was as if the supe world was ripped out of my life by the roots. The only one left was Sam and he wouldn't talk to or about any supes with me no matter how hard i tried. I have never felt more alone. I have never felt more like a freak. I was safe but not happy. I never realized how much of my life that was good, came from being one of and being part of that world. You told me death was apart of life, yours and mine, but it never really occurred to me that it would happen without the supe interference but it still does.

I got what I wanted but after I got it I would have done anything to take it back…especially once the bond was cut. From the night you let there was hole in my chest where I use to feel the bond coming through but every night the hole got bigger, every night it still gets bigger. After I was over being mad and acting like a petulant child I would check it, just in case there was even a blip from you. There never was. I sometimes have walked around my house thinking I've forgotten something or misplaced something, trying to figure out what's off. Then I figure out its me, its that I am missing something. That I'm missing you and the part of you that was always in me. The part that always gave me strength and courage when I was scared, and calmed me when I was panicked. The part of me that was a constant reminder that no matter how alone I felt, I never truly was. The part of me I hated until it was gone and then mourned for its loss.

About two months ago I saw Pam. She came to see me because Sam called her and was worried about me. He thought I was suicidal or something. Sam told me at the beginning that the that the packs or vampires of Area 5 could only come to me if I was in danger. Being suicidal made me a danger to myself apparently. I wasn't but I got to see Pam so I played it up for Sam, it wasn't hard, I just started acting how I wanted to; how I felt. Pam and I talked, about a lot. We talked about the take over, the past, the present, about you, and about me. She made me see some things that I didn't see clearly before. I've been trying to talk Pam into letting me talk to you since she first came to me, but she kept putting it off. Saying maybe another night but she's kept me updated on how you are and major things that you've been up to. All the great things you've been doing, which I am so proud of you for." She lifted her head and looked into my eyes. Her eyes look different, older, wiser.

"Then last night she stop by and told me about the proposal you received from Utah." Her tears began again.

"I didn't know what to do. I thought all day today about what I could do, what I had the right to do. I shouldn't do anything and I know that. I also know its not right or fair for me to come to you like this but I've learned a few things in your absence. I learned that sometimes, sometimes what's best isn't always what's right. What is best for us, is to be us. I was wrong all those years ago to think another was right for me and I have been wrong since. I have seen what its like to be without you completely and I cant do it. I spend most of my time pretending I'm ok. I'm not and, according to Pam, your not either.

There are things that no matter how much we wish it, they cannot be. This, us, isn't one of them. Tonight…we can start a new path. You said the way of things is to change and grow and live and die. We have changed and we can change again. We are changing right now. With every word spoken tonight we have changed. We have grown. We have lived and your right, we did it beautifully, and for six months we died. We were dead in all the ways that mattered. We don't have to be anymore. I am no longer afraid of death since I have lived in the worst way.

Six months ago you came to me and you said _'There will be no second chances, no more attempts to sway your opinion of me, I will not come crawling to you, and I will not beg. This will be it. This will be the end to the matter of you and I' _So let's have it be. There is no need for a second chance if we begin again. You needn't sway my opinion because I am set on it and on you. You are not crawling and you are not begging. I am. I am swallowing my pride and asking for your forgiveness. Let the matter of you and I end, so that we can let the matter of us begin." she sniffled trying to stifle her tears.

"Look into my eyes… really look… and tell me I am the girl you saw that night. Tell me I am the same. Tell me that you don't want this, that you don't want me. Tell me these things and I will go, and we will not see one another again." She put her hand over my heart. "If you want to be with me as I want to be with you and you will commit to me: let me in, we will discuss everything, I will tell you everything, and we can go from here." She closes her eyes for a moment, reaches up and lightly uses her fingers to wipe something off my face. I put my own hands to my face, and pull them away. When I look down I see my fingertips covered in my bloody tears. I have been unaware that I have been crying. She drops her head for a moment and then looks again into my eyes. "The choice is yours now."

She wipes her own tears off with her hand and raises it to my mouth. I know what she is asking. I know what it will mean if I take her offering. My logical side is screaming at me that this is wrong, but my heart is screaming for me to simply jump. Six months ago she chose to follow her head rather than her heart… and look where it has gotten us. If she can swallow her pride to come to me, I can at least meet her half way. I finally find my voice.

"If we do this, it will be all the way. You know what will have to happen if you choose to take this path with me. Are you ready for that? If you are not ready to give me an eternity with you, I cannot do it. I will need to know you are mine forever" I need her to understand this above all else. If I am to have her, I will need for longer than 5 years, 10 year, 20 years.

"I know. I know you do. I have always known and I am no longer afraid." She gives me a small but beautiful smile.

I raise my hand to her mouth. She takes my offering and I take hers. We both pull our hands away and we are smiling. It has been so long since I have felt a genuine smile. It is glorious. I kiss her with all that I have in me. I try to show her all the longing I feel for her, the pain I endured while we were apart, my elation at her decision. She is trying to do this too. We stand there simply kissing and holding one another for a while. Then we both pull back. We both look to be in agreement. We have decided. Her change will come in time, but not tonight. Tonight is just for us. We both pull our hair off to one side of our necks. I lean down smiling and kiss her jugular as she kisses mine.

"Remember tonight…for it is the beginning of always." I whisper in her ear as we both bite down and taste the other.

Tonight, tonight I am an ecstatic man. A man who feels as if his whole world seems to be coming together. A man whose elation knows know bounds. A man who loves so much that it does not matter that he has a heart that does not beat, it still feels. A man who will never be alone again.

There is no doubt…tonight will be the beginning of my always.


End file.
